Writing an ending letter when a child moves on

When a child leaves your home, the letter you write them may be one they read many times, at ten, at sixteen and at thirty. It's worth taking your time over.

For every ending letter

• Write to who they'll be later, as well as who they are now.
• Remember the good things: the funny, the brave and the ordinary.
• Tell them what they taught you and what you'll remember about them.
• Explain why they're moving simply and truthfully, in the same words their social worker uses with them.
• If there were difficult times, you can say so gently: what happened, in plain words, and how you looked after them. Don't dwell on it.
• Don't make promises you can't keep about visits, contact or the future.
• Check with their social worker before including contact details or plans to keep in touch.

Moving to adoption or a permanent family

Wish them well with their new family warmly, and without competing with them. You helped make this possible. Tell them how you got ready together: the visits, the photos, the plan for moving day. Use the names they use for their new family.

Going home to family

Speak about their family warmly and with respect. They're going home to people they love. Say you're happy for them, and share things their family will be glad to hear: what they learned, what they love, how they've grown. Don't compare homes or rules.

When a placement didn't work out

This is the hardest letter to write, and one of the most important.

• Be honest but kind. Say simply that the grown-ups decided they would live somewhere else, and why, in words their social worker has agreed.
• Make sure they know it wasn't their fault, if that's true. Children often blame themselves.
• Describe decisions the adults made, not the child being "too much". Avoid labels like "difficult".
• Remember the good moments too. There will have been some, and they need to know that.
• Leave out adult details and blame, and don't ask them to look after your feelings.

Ask their social worker how the move has been explained to them, so your words match.

Moving on to independence

Write to them as the young adult they are. Name the skills they've built: cooking, budgeting, getting themselves to college or work. Tell them specifically what you're proud of. Only offer ongoing help, like a Sunday dinner or a phone call, if you'll really be there.

A short stay

Even a few days matter. Write down what you noticed: what they ate, what helped them sleep, what made them smile. Keep it short and warm, and explain simply who looked after them and why.

When to write it

If you can, start the letter before the day is set. Many carers keep a draft going as part of their weekly letters, adding a line or two about what the child has taught them. When a move is confirmed, you'll already have the heart of it written.

If a move comes at short notice, write a short, warm letter first and add to it later with the social worker's agreement. A brief letter that arrives is better than a perfect one that doesn't.

A memory box to go with it

A letter sits well with a few small keepsakes the child can hold. Ask their social worker what can travel with them.

• A photo or two of the home, the garden, the pet, or a favourite place
• A drawing or something they made
• A copy of the best photo of the two of you, with a caption
• A book of their weekly letters, if you've been writing them
• A small thing from daily life: a bookmark, a recipe card for their favourite tea

An example

Dear Mia,

Tomorrow you go to live with your new family, and we wanted to write down some of the things we'll remember about the time you lived with us.

You came to us on a rainy Tuesday with a red rucksack and a toy rabbit called Biscuit. You didn't say much that first evening, but you ate two helpings of macaroni cheese, and we knew we'd be all right.

You taught us that a puddle is always worth jumping in, and that bedtime stories need different voices for every character.

Wherever you go, you take a little bit of this house with you. We hope you have the happiest life.

My Chapters: Letters guides you through an ending letter for each of these situations, with ideas and a full example, and puts it at the end of the child's book of letters.